01.26.2012
Why can’t I tell you that I am not ok right now and I need you?
01.24.2012
What do I want?
I know what I want from you. Why haven’t I told you honestly yet? Because I’m afraid of rejection or that you won’t want the same.
I want to be with you. Whether we remain friends or it grows into something bigger. I want you in my life regardless. You mentioned that you are amazed that I still talk to you after all this time, for whatever reason. I’m amazed as well. I couldn’t tell you what it is about you that keeps me around because I can’t put anything about you into words. All I know is you always make me feel so much better. You make me happy. Seeing your face always puts a smile on my face. I get butterflies in my stomach still every time I hear my front door open and I know it’s you.
I just want you to always be here. I know you’re going through a rough time and I am too. As shitty as I am with showing people that I care and telling them what I feel, I really am trying to do better with it and you saw that tonight.
Whatever this is, it won’t be easy but if we both put in enough patience, it’ll be worth it. Maybe one of the reasons why I still do continue talking to you.
I know how you are, and how you work. I’m never sure how to handle it but I want to know. I want you to be able to trust at least someone other than yourself. Because I want to the same. I want to be able to trust you with everything and I want you to trust me. This will all take time and I know how impatient you can be but bare with me. Just please don’t give up on me with any of this. I really am trying.
January 10, 2012
I feel so sick right now, I can’t sleep, I can’t breath, I can’t smoke, I can’t eat. I want to just throw up, go to sleep, and never wake up. I don’t know what’s so wrong with me. I know what I want with you and I wish you were more patient with me. I just don’t know what I want from myself. I’m going home this weekend to see my family and clear my head a bit. I’m hoping you can give me time to figure my shit out. Because I don’t want you leaving. I want you here with me. I can’t deal with what i’m going through alone. I just want your help. I have nothing, I have no one. And I want you as more than just someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. You tell me I don’t need you at all but I do. Don’t be so stubborn. Don’t make it seem like what I say isn’t true. Listen closely because when I actually do talk, I mean everything that I say. No one ever takes me seriously when I say some of the things I do. Why is it so hard for people to ever believe what I have to say…?
I dreamt last night I was on a rooftop of an 80+ story building. I was sitting there looking at the edge wondering, what if I just jumped. I wonder what it would be like to fall. I’ve never had a dream like that before. Maybe my conscience is telling me something i’m not admitting to myself.
(just googled the meaning: It is about jumping into something new in your life that you are not sure about. It could be about a new relationship, a new job, moving into a new house, etc.)
Which I guess is somewhat relevant to everything? Who knows.
January 09, 2012
I wish I could explain to you how tolerable I am. You are worth waiting for. I know you don’t have your shit together and neither do I. I know things will take time and I’m not ready for anything definite either. But I know regardless you are good for me. You make me confront so many things about myself and my past that I’ve swept under the rug and ignored. As much as I hate when you press this on me, I’m glad you’re doing it. Just have a little more patience than you do with this.
But, no matter how much you believe you’re meant to be alone, I’ll keep reassuring you that you aren’t. Because I always thought I was meant to be alone too, until I found you. I gave myself a little hope that I could be something with someone. Even if we end up miserable together, at least I know I could end up miserable with the right person and not happy with the wrong person.
January 03, 2012
You’ve been in town for about two days and things are slowly hitting me. It’ll take a while for me to get used to being able to hold your hand and rub your back, lay my head on your chest, look you in the eyes and touch your face. You don’t seem real but I know you are.
Alan Watts
I’m sorry but I can’t agree with this. The way he talks about or explains things, he makes them so much more complicated than they really are. And some of it I think is just straight silly.
December 20, 2011
I’m losing it. I am losing my fucking mind right now.
December 14, 2011
I was listening to a song tonight…and for once I actually heard and felt the words. It made me realize how much sight I’ve lost in God. I think I really need to start focusing on you and re-evaluate my faith. Or at least build myself a little bit because I’ve been feeling a little lost in my head lately.
I never thought that you had such an effect on me until tonight when I noticed how distant I’ve been with you. I’m sorry…I’m apologizing to myself for once.
However, I have picked up on the fact that I have so many things I should be worrying about but I haven’t been worrying. Not one bit. I do get concerned and start to wonder but I’m not nervous, I’m not scared. Maybe I just believe in myself and know ultimately everything will be ok and once this passes I’ll wipe my forehead of everything that’s been “stressing” me and go about my day.
Once the New Year begins, I know everything will get better. I know how the year will start off and it makes me smile. I know everything will be perfectly fine.
December 12, 2011
I always starting wondering, until I talk to you. Regardless, I know how sure I am of this.
I love how real you get when you drink though. And that may seem bad to not be real when you aren’t drinking but if you were to tell me everything you say when you drink, when you’re sober….where would the fun in that be? I would get so tired of you being so sentimental and all if you did it all the time.
I never realized how patient I was until now. I am very patient, but only to an extent. I have been waiting for almost a year and a half to see you and it’s only right around the corner. These last few weeks are going to be the death of me. But the only thing that keeps me calm is the fact that I only have 3 weeks left until I see you rather than a year.
You’re keeping me so together right now.
December 07, 2011
Had a really interesting conversation with my roommate, Taylor, tonight. A conversation about religion, politics, meaning behind numbers, people around us, n such n such. I always love hearing what he has to say because he’s got a weird but very real way of thinking.
On another note, I skyped with you last night and I can’t tell you how much I hate seeing your face and hearing your voice now. It’s not fair I can’t look at you or listen to you from less than a foot away. I won’t lie, you hit a sore spot with me and I wanted to cry. I did. We hung up, I went outside for a smoke, and balled my eyes out. But it felt nice. I think you know you hit a spot with me but that’s ok. You were sincere about it. But my emotions were catching up with me after the shitty week I’ve had. I’ve been battling myself constantly and I want to give up on myself so bad but I know I could never. I really appreciate that you know when you need to be serious, though. I think it’s cute too when we aren’t saying anything but you still stare at me. I do it too.
Sometimes I believe this is fate. I remember first day of our photo class when everyone was stating their major and you said ‘photojournalism’. I had thought to myself…’what are the odds’. Didn’t even think twice about you or what would unfold. After a few weeks of class we ended up hanging out. We started hanging out more and more and I had figured it would just be a fling. We started staying up late and finding horrible movies on Netflix, cuddling, going for late night swims in Dyson, rolling cigs and sitting outside of your room smoking them. We never really knew each other though. I left that school, and you did too. You transferred to Indiana and I transferred back home. We kept in touch every now and then those first few months after last seeing each other. Then we started skyping more and calling each other late at night, texting until really early in the morning. I started sharing some things with you and you shared some with me. Our friendship grew. It’s so funny how aware we are of how odd our friendship/relationship is. We don’t even know what to call it.
Haha
We ended up getting sick of where we were and were both looking to transfer to another school. I think it’s hilarious we were both looking at Prescott. Imagine if we both decided on that. I can only imagine it being the greatest. Arizona is so gorgeous and I know how much you love the outdoors. I think your outlook on things would have gone so great with that kind of atmosphere. But I’m glad we both ended up back in Savannah. And after saying goodbye that last day before going home, we had talked about seeing each other again at some point in our lives (because I still had to give you your bracelet back hehe) but we never really thought we would see each other again. And here we are counting down the days. I’ve stopped counting though. I notice time goes by quicker when I don’t keep track.
The only reason why I know you’re the only one for me is because, I really can’t imagine myself with anyone else. After an entire year, I still smile to myself and get butterflies just thinking about you. I imagine little moments of our future together. I don’t ever talk to anyone else besides you. You’re all that matters. As much as you hate yourself, I don’t care what you’ve done or where you’ve been. You won’t admit to it but you’re one of the most humble beings I’ve met, you care, I know you do. I have so much respect for you. I could never let you go.
I really don’t know what i’ll do when I see you though. I know i’ll be jumping in your arms for sure. I just can’t wait to hug you and hear you laugh. I play your voice in my head everyday.
I know were both struggling with a lot of things right now but I know once you come home everything will be easier to handle when were together.
